Cheating Chronicles part 1

Cher Journal,

I have missed you. Actually I haven't really, because I've been writing and deleting and not getting enough courage to post here. This blog is private but sometimes I feel like I'm exposing myself too much. Speaking of exposing, people like me who've gone through so much in life find it very difficult to be in any kind of relationship. This is because we are weary and always on the lookout for any potential hurt by the other person. I'm not much of a horoscope fanatic but I'm a Capricorn and I read somewhere online that Capricorns are really sensitive people. That they love too much, they are sweet in nature but at the same time very fearful. I think this is true. This description somehow resonates with my personality. You would expect somebody who is sensitive to be sensitive to other guys as well right? But stick around I explain in the next few paragraphs what sort of person I am. Before doing that though, let me clarify that today's pot is in blue because before starting to write it I  googled "What is the color of loyalty?" and the result was blue. Then in my head I'm thinking is it royal blue or ingwe blue or sky blue? I decided to just use this blue and I hope it's loyal enough. Btw, to all my kikuyu peeps I hope you understand the difference between loyal and royal.

So back to the kind of person that I am...I'm the girl that loves fiercely, I'm the girl that would go way out of my way for you if I love you, I'm that girl who would always be criticized by all her friends as being some hopeless romantic. Actually I believe in this love is blind phrase, especially because lately I have been thinking of my ex's and what I have done for them. I mean, out of the blue when I don't even know where my next meal is coming from, I buy you a Daniel Wellington watch; I bet you've never heard of this and you just know Casio watches and disco watches; speaking of which, anyone who was born after 1990 would possible not know what a disco watch is. I bet the first time it hit you what disco means is when you were going for rave and your parents start reminiscing about their "disco days" *roll eyes at this point* I digress, basically what I'm saying is I have every so often been accused even by my family for putting my boyfriends first before them. The other day Iris was asking me whether it just comes naturally for me to forget she exists soon after  I start seeing someone. Of course I went on the defensive and the argument ended with her telling me that I had better marry the one I'm currently with  because in the event of a break up she will definitely take the hands off approach. This scared me a bit then I calmed myself with marriage thoughts. Yes every unmarried girl has this, whether secretly or openly. In every ten girls on Facebook, nine of them have liked wedding dress or wedding event planning pages.

You will excuse my style of writing today, I'll keep digressing because my thoughts are a bit scattered. I want to tell you about something I'm going through. I feel like telling you will help me calm down. So this is how it goes, in 2012 I fell in love in the most unexpected ways. 2012 wasn't really a good year. In February I lost a close brother in law to be. My mum just gave birth to two girls and in this guy, I got that brother that I never had. He was a friend and a true mentor. The day he died he had called me but I had such a terrible hangover I told him I'd call him back. In life we have so many regrets, this is one of them. I should have just listened to him, maybe he would have offered some wise advice about what I'm currently going through. So this guy was to get married in June but he dies in February, I'm left thinking "Really God??" Reminds me of the song Ironic by Allanis Morisette; one of my favorites by the way. There is a line that goes like "it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, it's meeting the man of your dreams then meeting his beautiful wife isn't it ironic?" Anyway so the guy dies and in the burial I meet his close friend. Let's call him MSK. He is these kind of people that you don't notice at first then later there is some need to know what they are all about. MSK was a close friend to my bro in law to be and so it came naturally that they had some similarities. He would sometimes laugh like him, make the same jokes like him and even dance like him. Because of this he managed to get to me without necessarly

Bittersour- ' The 2011 rundown'

Cher Journal,

Turns out there's nothing such as bittersweet goodness!It's been more than a year since I blogged.okay honestly I've just been lazy to put it down in writing but every single day before I go to bed I do a cher journal post either on facebook or twirrer(yes am a lawyer I can weng anything or is it tweng?).My not blogging is justified though coz am new to this whole blogging thing and quite frankly am still getting the hang of it as I try to break my blogging 'virginity'.I'm like that bride who walks down the aisle and keeps walking...walking...walking... and never getting to the altar.

I digress though.Will do that much in this post coz I have so much to say its been so long and so much has happened.So first of all this bittersweet thing oh boy!It has landed me in so much trouble.Turns out forbidden fruit tastes sour in the end.The guy I was in love with(Pete) who I wasn't supposed to be in love with has some major violence and validation issues.Introduced him to the whole family then I realise it's actually true what they say, that familiarity breeds contempt.Pete had the nerve to fight with me and my sister plus even go ahead and beat up her friend who he had just met.I knooow insane right!!Then mattersworse(as my cousin's nanny would say in a kalenjin accent) he goes around doing it with everyone it's like he wants to validate his manhood.So I figured letting go of pete is the best thing to do.

Letting go is hard especially for someone like me.I come out as those clingy girls who are the hardest to please and reach out to but once you break the ice in their hearts they just can't let go!!So once in a while I think of him and I wonder if he's okay then I sigh and go like "oh well,It was good while it lasted"So anyway I'm gonna have to do this from month to month so that I avoid going back and forth.

Rewind to July 2011.This was the beginning of the year of doom.yes!say it like the grinch.Phonecall from my grandma and she's crying on the other end"Why don't you want to come see your father and he's unwell?"so I have to learn to do an internal memo asking for a few days off from the NGO am doing my legal internship.Later I find myself crying hysterically outside my dad's hospital room.Shock of my life I tell you.OL looked like a corpse alive huh!!first person I think of after seeing him is Pete.I call him and we talk it out and he calms me down.(part of the sweetness of the forbidden fruit).Pete is so close with my papa.Apparently his initiation to beerhood was thanks to OL.

August 2011 school resumes and I have to juggle going to see my papa back home and staying focused in school  for my final year.I have issues picking out my dissertation topic and I'm taken back and forth by some sadistic lecturer.I somehow end up being supervised by some other political lecturer who ensured that my proposal doesn't swiftly flow through to chapter one for the whole semester.the month was academic and booooring bla bla bla.

September 2011,I'm cooking dinner at my humble safe haven in Annex and then that dreadful phonecall...Everytime I saw "dad calling"my heart would skip a bit.I knew he was soon dying and I just wasn't ever ready to receive such sad news.So I pick up the phone and OL goes like 'Habari ya mtoto' back then i would roll my eyes and think in my head how that conversation should end already but this time I answered 'niko poa' in a low tone.Heart skipping beats,head pounding,fear rising,body heating up...gosh!do I sound like am writing those 'helterskelter' compositions we were taught back in elementary school?Yes this was my reaction to him saying 'I got a minor stroke and my right side is a bit paralysed' look at him trying to make it look like it was no big deal....mmh.So I say sorry and promise to be on my way as soon as it's dawn then I hang up.Suddenly am engulfed by this deep sadness the dinner I was cooking now looks like 'kalongolongo' and I wanna throw it all out.Anyway,I'm a big girl so I take it all in and say a prayer as my mama taught me.

October 2011,It's getting worse he's getting sicker.Pete is with me throughout this ordeal.Encouraging me,listening to me and somehow it's like being in love is the right thing to be feeling at that time.School work is piling up and stress is catching up with me physically.The worst is just almost happening and every single day I listen to this forever young song.I keep rewinding at this bit where the song goes like 'hoping for the best but expecting the worst are you gonna drop the bomb or not?'Figured God is the best person to answer this...

November 26th 2011 I go for my usual weekend visit to dad's hospital.So familiar with the place,the nurses and doctors say hi as I make my way to his room.So I find this strange looking guy seated on his bed talking to him.He stands up to say hi to me then the strangeness begins to fade away as I slowly realise who he is from how he looks like.OL's son.Gosh looks exactly like him!especially the shape of the head and the smoothness and coolness he talks with.So this is the guy who I was being told was my brother..Let's call him Austin.Austin is good no?Reminds me of this drama soap opera 'The Days of our Lives' OL on this particular day looks cleaner and better.I can still rem the pyjamas he was wearing.We chitchat a bit about school,exams,graduation etc then he introduces me to this Austin guy.November 27th,sadness galore sets in when the doctor announces that we should all be 'psychologically prepared' and I'm like "damn!this is the day and the hour" but this whole thing did not set in with me just yet.I go back to school and I'm set to start my finals on Monday 28th November.I cry the whole way to back to school and guys are looking at me its like I have been ditched by my boyfie.November 28th 2011 I call Austin to find out how OL is doing.he doesn't have to say anything as I hear people yell in the background.Yes, I lost my papa.It was too hard to take in.So painful that I'm still crying almost a year later as I type this.I think this blogging isn't good for me...I have to stop myself.Sigh...

December 10th burial and everything happens so fast!!I had to do my finals between 28th and 10th.Hardest thing I've done in my life.At this time 'Ancient Words' is ringing in my head.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIaiXt-fSwk

"words of love,words of hope, give us strength,help us cope.In this world,where we roam, oh let the ancient words resound..."

cher journal

Dear diary. . .
how did this whole dear diary thing come up anyway?who said that people could just wake up one day and start referring to a diary like a human being?bites me!

I have so many answered things in my mind.Am I being over ambitious with this whole blog thing.Really I have never sat down to write my thoughts.to start with they are so jambled up it would be like reading a book from the middle theN skipping the end and going to where it begins.hope i'll get the hang of it but thanx for listening anyway.

temptations.forbiddedn fruit definately tastes sweetest the aftermath guilt is what is the problem.today I just couldn't resist it.you know that awkward feeling you get when you do something so wrong and you totally enjoyed it!!yeah I just couldnt help it.I realised that there's a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.question is:what is it about this charm that I just could'nt resist?When they told me that where it is chaste it is not art I went so deep into it that it made no sense.when u get so deep into it is it art?at one point it becomes chaste,it becomes valuable,it becomes more than that which is forbidden.and that is where the distinction comes in.I dont think what i did is forbidden.either that or amjust justifying my guilt."Let none take fruit unless he take the tree"I really want to believe shakespear.if u start off why not finish?it all goes down to sacrifice.Guess I should just try and figure out if the charm is too much that I cant help it but eat the whole tree.VANITY!!